Balance

There's a certain level of balance in my life. I am still kind of figuring it all out, but I feel more balance lately. Sure I don't get everything done that needs to be done, but I for damn sure try. Some days I am exhausted and want to do nothing. Other days I will bust some shit out. There's a lot of routine during the week and almost none at all on the weekends, but it always seems to balance out.

One major change that's happened is the change in daycare. I think this is HUGE! The change bought me a 1/2 hour in the morning and another 1/2 hour in the evening. 1/2 hour, big deal, right? WRONG! Most people don't get the value of a 1/2 hour to a working mother with a 17 month old and a semi-disabled husband. The extra time in the morning is automatically used for the extra sleep. Some nights I am lucky to get 5 hours of sleep, so an extra 1/2 hour, I will gladly take it! Then in the afternoon, I get home a half hour earlier, more time to spend playing with my son before he needs to hit the sack.

The new daycare is more expensive, but as I see it, I am buying time! I am also buying quality daycare. This is huge. He is in an environment he needs to be in. I guess I couldn't see what he was missing before, but I see now. It's not that anything was wrong before this change, it just wasn't quite enough. BUT I was getting daycare from a friend and not from someone who does this for a living, like we are now.

This morning Jesse had his periodic visit to the cleft team. I am not sure what I was expecting, but I left there feeling much better than I did when I walked in. We got all positive remarks. Jesse's scar is softening up, which is great! He met with the speech pathologist who said he's "so smart" and doing well with his speech. I guess this is where I thought he'd fallen behind and I would get reprimanded for. Boy was I wrong.

I'll wrap this up with some pictures. One from the docs office, the rest from the park on Saturday.

First Day and a Trip to the Lake

Today is Jesse's first day of real daycare. In the past he's always been with friends or family. This is the first time I've dropped him off at a stranger's house. Of course she's not a complete stranger, we did interview her and all that, but she's not someone I know. I'm sure he's fine, but of course I have all these what if's running through my head. He is my one and only baby, of course I am going to think these things. A few more hours and I can go pick him up and take him back to the safety of our home. Lets hope I get a good report and feel comfortable sending him back there next week.
We had a great weekend. Made a trip up to the lake. I love going to the lake. The drive was a little harsh, but we managed. About 1/2 way up there Jesse was screaming, we tried juice, snacks, entertainment and nothing worked so I had to pull over assuming it was a dirty diaper. I pull over at a gas station, the next one that came along. In retrospect I should have waited for the nice one. I head inside, go in the unisex restroom and of course, no changing table. I have to use the floor, which was the filthiest bathroom floor I think I have ever seen in my life. Ok, I'm sure I've been in filthy bathrooms before, but never paid much attention since I didn't need to change my baby's diaper in one before now. Ok, I can do this. Quickly, swiftly and get the hell out of there! I did it, but wait, what did I discover during this process, oh yes, the pants I just whipped off him, are soaked! Not just a little wet, soaked. I obviously do not put them back on my boy and quickly escape this hell hole of a gas station. But what do I see out of the corner of my eye... my husband standing in front of the beer cooler, holding a six-pack (for when we arrive at our destination). I make eye contact and tell him, I need help and I walk out the door.
I have a crabby baby, with no pants on, holding soaked pants and a pair of shoes. Since the pants are soaked I quickly realize that the car seat is also wet, with pee. Paul comes flying out the gas station door and asks what he can do. Hold him. I pass him off and start digging through the mounds of stuff in the car to find a rag to put in the bottom of the carseat, a new pair of pants for the kid and something to make him happy. Mission accomplished. Whew, back on the road.
We finally arrive at the lake. Much later than anticipated. But we are there and we can now relax and enjoy the weekend.

Exciting Stuff

I have a lot on my plate, which is nothing new really, but something new I am very excited about. A couple months back I posted about becoming a Pathfinder for AmeriFace. In the past few weeks I have been able to be a Pathfinder. I have found a few Moms that really needed a person like me. Someone to talk to, someone to ask questions to and someone that reminds them they are not alone! I am taking this to the next level too. The AmeriFace Director and me are planning a picnic! I am so excited about this. We will be getting families together from the Chicagoland area. Talk about helping people feel like they are not alone, this is the epitome of that. Sure a handful of us talk online, but we've never met. No one in this area has ever gotten families together. I am excited to be the founder of the First Annual cleftAdvocate/AmeriFace Illinois Family Fest!

Busy and fun weekend ahead. My towns festival is happening. The town does a good job with festivals, so we are excited to go. We went last year and Jesse enjoyed himself, and he was only 5 months old then. Saturday is our friend Dave's birthday and we decided to take him to the dirt track for the team demolition derby. Always a good time. Jesse is going to his Grandparents house. I thought about taking him to the derby, but I just don't think he'll like it, maybe next summer.

Bad Days

I lost control this week. Basically I cried for like 2 days straight. I was seeking help, from friends, family and professionals. I felt so incredibly low, depressed, helpless like my whole life was spiraling out of control. Today I woke up and everything was fine. Well, not like perfect fine, because my life is no where near perfect, but I didn't feel low, depressed or helpless. What happened overnight? How does one go from their breaking point to being fine after a night's sleep? It's that time. Yup, good ol' PMS. This is something I have not really delt with in a really long time. Before Jesse it was under control with modern medicine, aka the pill. I quit that a few weeks before conceiving Jesse and never went back to taking it. I opted for a different method of birth control because I was taking the pill for so long, I decided it was time for a change and I switched to something my OB recommended.

In the past 2 years, I have obviously had a lot on my plate between Paul and Jesse. I have bad days. When I have those bad days they are pretty bad. But today, I have to wonder if I have these bad days about every 28 days. I never made the connection until today (it only took a year). Likely because I don't get a period on my current birth control, but you still go through the cycle, so it isn't exactly obvious where I am in my cycle. It's not like, ok, I am going to get my period in a few days, so if I am emotional, this is why. Nope, not at all. But now, since I've made that connection, I think I will keep track of where I am in my cycle so I don't go calling counselors and psychiatrists then return back to normal in a few days. There was a sign this morning that this is what's going on, but those are not details I wish to share. Now I am curious how all this will play out. What days my bad days will fall on. In the mean time, I have market the past 2 days on my calendar, so we will see.

Emotional

I have had a lot on my mind lately. I am all across the board and everything is causing a lot of emotion and sleeplessness.

There's the incident that I explained in yesterday's post. No need to elaborate on that one. I've pretty much had it with a long time friend of mine. She's been treating me like crap for too long now and I am done with it. She's lied to me one too many times. I need to cleanse myself from that toxic relationship. I don't wish any ill will on her, I'm just done with it.

One of my cleft Mom friends is expecting again. She shared with me a long time ago that she was pregnant, before she told a lot of people. She was scared about having another cleft baby, which I don't blame her. I would feel the same way and I am hesitant to have another due to the possibility of a cleft. Not that a child can't live a totally normal life with a cleft, but the stress of going through surgeries, feeding issues, ear issues, teeth issues, etc. I don't know if I can do it all again. But we are not even close to wanting another child, so it's not something I am making a decision about any time soon.

My friend had her 20 week ultrasound yesterday. We chatted a little before her appointment and she expressed how nervous she was about it, to the point of making herself sick with anxiety. I told her I would feel the same way. After her appointment she announced that she's having another girl and the 3D ultrasound shows NO CLEFT! I am so happy for her, I even got teary when I saw the images this morning then she said to me, "there is hope for a normal child. I am proof". Such simple words yet very powerful ones.

I also have on my mind some upcoming changes. We don't know exactly what these changes will be but we know there will be some changes. Changes in Paul's medical treatment and possibly changes with Jesse's daycare. Both are stressful subjects, but you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes and we will do our best with what we have.

Disturbed

I went to a party over the weekend. It was a friends birthday. I almost didn't go because Jesse hasn't been feeling well. I figured, if he's tired and crabby I can just leave. It started early and I was told kids are welcome.

We get there, we are social with people there. All is well. Then this other couple shows up. They talk about how they have an 8 month old, and they were observing Jesse and some things they have to look forward to. The guy said something about his baby being home sleeping. Paul has met the guy a few times before, I know I have met him too, but neither of us really "know" him or his wife. They seem pretty normal.

The party goes on, Jesse gets tired and crabby, so I decide it's time for me and him to go, Paul decides to stay and catch a ride from a friend of ours. When Paul got home he told me some things that happened at the party after I left. I guess the girl was over talking to the other girls for a while then stepped away. The guy walks away from Paul to get himself a beer and walks up to the group of girls and asks if his wife pissed them off yet? Then says something about how she went to check on the baby. I guess all hell broke loose. The group of women (all of which I know) start yelling and threatening to call the police. This couple left their baby home alone! The second Paul told me my heart just dropped. I am shocked and appalled. Had I been there I would have called the police, no doubt. Really, did these people think this was ok because they only live a few blocks away and she was sleeping! That is not acceptable in any way, shape or form.

So then Paul proceeds to tell me that the guy has a bad alcohol problem, was bragging about how he finishes a 30 pack of beer in a day or two. He was also upset that his wife drank so much vodka and said he was going to beat her when they got home. Are you serious?!? I couldn't even sleep because I was so upset by what I heard. People like this don't deserve to have children.

2 Birthdays and an Anniversary

That time of year again. I'm a year older, so is Paul and we've been married for 6 years now. I honestly can't even believe it's been six years. Six years of marriage PLUS 6 years dating, 12 years total. Wow. 12 years?!? I can't believe I have been able to put up with him for this long! I kid, of course. Every year that goes by just confirms more and more that we were meant to be together. Think about it, if we weren't meant to be together, I probably wouldn't like him much after 12 years. But I love him. I can no longer say I love him with all my heart because Jesse stole most of my heart. But I do love Paul a whole bunch. How's that?

This past weekend we got the hell out of town. Much needed. We headed south then had to come back for the gig. Yes, Paul played a gig, just 3 songs, but it's the start of something new and awesome. He joined a band, with some friends of the past. They are good guys and I am excited about this too! Paul played only a few song because it was the old bassists last gig, so of course he got the spotlight, which he deserved. We had a blast! Then headed down to resume our vacation. It was a late night! We got up the next day and headed to the river for a day of boating. I made it on my boat, for the first time this year! Jesse is much too little to boat on the river. There's not really much sun relief and no where to really stop, so I usually stay home with him while Paul goes with his buddies. Speaking of, my parents took Jesse for the weekend. First time. Paul's watched Jesse overnight here and there, but I have never been away from my little boy this long. It was weird. Dad picked him up on Friday morning and dropped him off Monday morning, but I didn't even get to see him until Monday night (since I was at work). I will say, it was nice to be "off duty" for a few days.

We spent both Saturday and Sunday on the boat on the river. It was nice, even though Saturday was damn hot! We went out to dinner Saturday night, even though it was Paul's birthday on Saturday, we pretty much celebrated both our birthdays and anniversary that night. We went to a local place, I am guessing it's the place to go when you are going out to dinner in this town because there's not much else around. It was an old farm that was converted to the restaurant. Cool place. Good food. I did have to laugh at the changing station in the ladies room, it's got to be at least 30 years old. I even took a picture with my camera.

Back to a regular weekend. I don't mind, I get to spend it with my little boy.

For some reason I can't upload the pics today. I will try again later.