Judging

So I had an emotional day yesterday. I think it was because of Sunday. We went to BBQ at Paul's aunt and uncles house. Paul's family was there and there were also people I had never met before. I bundled Jesse up because it was pretty cool outside and it was an outdoor party. I think I dressed him quite well. Anyway, at events like this I always feel like I am being judged. Judged as a mother. I ask myself these questions over and over. I wonder what other people think. Paul tells me he doesn't care, that I shouldn't care, that we are doing a good job as parents. I try not to react to some of Jesse's challenges, so he doesn't become the kid who freaks out everytime something happens. Like he gets "chokey". Because of his cleft palate he gets this chokey thing going on. He's kind of choking on his saliva. But he's not really choking, he's still breathing, it just goes down the wrong pipe per say. I don't want to freak out when it happens because then he will. I play it cool and tell him he's ok. This is one thing that I think I am judged on. I think people who see this are like, "omg, she didn't even pick up her own child when he was choking, what kind of mother does that".

I don't think people around us realize the challenges we face with his cleft. Yes, he had his lip repaired, but it's his palate that causes more problems. Eating is certainly a challenge. When he ate only formula he was having a hard time with the sucking. We cut the nipples but it still took a long time to get a bottle down. Things got better after the lip surgery and I switched nipples to the silicone ones and those are also cut. What really made the difference in his weight gain and development was the cereal and baby food. He eats really well. BUT that also brought on a new challenge. Since the cleft in his palate leads right to his nasal cavity, food will go up there. Sometimes it happens from a sneeze, sometimes from a cough or sometimes he'll be eating and it will just start oozing out his nose. Obviously this can't be all that comfortable, but again, I don't react. I just move forward with the feeding session. His cleft makes him sneeze more and cough more than your average kid. This doesn't mean he's sick. It's because more air goes through there and makes him sneeze or cough. It makes quite the mess when he sneezes while eating, but what can you do, it's going to happen.

Back to the judging. I guess because I was uneducated about clefts before I had a child with one, I assume other people are also uneducated. I constantly feel like people think I did something wrong to cause his birth defect. Like that I didn't take my vitamins, like I took meds I wasn't supposed to. Or that they think I smoke and drank a lot during my pregnancy or something. The truth is that I have no idea why it happened. I didn't do anything wrong. I ate good food, took my vitamins, wasn't at all negligent in my pregnancy. No one knows why clefts happen unless it's genetic. In our case there's no family history, so it's probably not genetic. Paul was telling me last night that WE know there's no reason why he was born with a birth defect and WE are the only ones that matter. I should stop caring what other people think. I should stop explaining and spewing out statistics to everyone that he encounters. He's probably right. I should stop caring what other people think. The only people that matter are Paul, Jesse and myself. Paul doesn't blame me, I shouldn't blame myself and when Jesse is old enough we will explain it to him.

More talking about myself

Things that I don't like:

• I don't like it when people tell me how to be a mother. If I do something different than what you did, doesn't mean I am doing it wrong. I also want to have learning experiences in this new, wonderful adventure.
• I don't like liars, cheaters or thieves.
• I don't like it when people don't respect me.
• I don't like it when people don't stick to their word.
• I don't like people who can't be honest with themselves.
• I don't like cleaning the toilet, especially when I didn't make it gross.
• I don't like deciding what to eat.
• I don't like arrogance.
• I don't like when people don't have common courtesy.
• I don't like it when people try and play head games.
• I don't like parents that play favorites.
• I don't like feeling helpless.
• I don't like it when my friends or family are sad or scared.
• I don't like it when bad things happen to good people.
• I don't like people that drive like idiots.
• I don't like it when people talk behind my back.
• I don't like my post-baby body.
• I don't like watching my loved ones in pain, especially my son.
• I don't like it when people ask if Jesse is a boy or a girl's name.
• I don't like when people use liquor or being drunk as an excuse.
• I don't like eggplant.
• I don't like mouth sounds. Like when I can hear you eating or your saliva.
• I don't like that I have to work when I'd rather be home with my son.
• I don't like water that isn't cold.
• I don't like waiting.
• I don't like certain textures of food.
• I don't like when people gloat.
• I don't like when people treat their children as an inconvenience.
• I don't like when people complain about things that they have some kind of control over.

Ok, that's all for now. I think I feel better.

I guess I feel like talking about myself

Things I like:

• I like being a Mom. Sure sometimes it's hard, but it's so worth it.
• I like cheese. It's almost an addiction. Any kind, literally.
• Speaking off food addictions, I like crunchy things. Like Guy Fiery says, I like things that are crunchified.
• I like music, it inspires me.
• I like to read, but only things that are real. I don't want to hear some made up story when I can find one better that actually happened.
• I like being outside, despite my allergies. I like things that stimulate the senses.
• I like photography, looking at what other people see through their lens and making art through my own. I take mental pictures more than the ones with a camera.
• I like playing sports, but I hate exercising. If I am going to be physical, I want to have some kind of instant gratification or success, a goal that I can meet instantly or a destination. Like why ride a stationary bike in a gym when you can ride one that actually goes somewhere? Why hop on a stair climber when you can hike up the rocks in the woods? Why do an aerobics class when you can play basketball or tennis or softball.
• I like to do research. Not for my job, that's boring, I like researching things and educating myself. Like medical stuff, for Jesse, Paul's back, things I may have going on or for creative ideas.
• I like listening to children giggle.
• I like the smell of fabric softener, especially Bounce and Gain.
• I love "crispy" new clean sheets that are cold when you climb in.
• I like artichokes the way Mom makes them. Steamed with melted butter to dip the leaves in. Paul calls them pinecones.
• Which brings me to another point, I like my Mom's cooking, even if she burns the bread.
• I like Aunt Carrie. She's such a special woman. I don't even know where she came from, send from the fairies or something. She's so normal, yet amazing. I really admire her.
• I like movies that make you think, especially the ones that are "based on a true story".
• I like wasabi peas.
• I like wearing sunglasses.
• I like boating with my Dad.
• I like my family's sarcasm.
• I like pesto, a lot!
• I like being crafty, but I don't do it enough.
• I like saving money by buying things on sale or using coupons.
• I like listening to gossip.
• I like being true to myself. I wasn't when I was younger and it really messed me up in the head.
• I like watching hummingbirds.
• I like visiting new places to see new things.
• I like fall camping in the woods. The smells, the cool crisp air, the campfire, roughin' it.
• I like being friends with my family.
• I like going to baseball games and Nascar races.
• I like watching my son discover new things.
• I like tradition.
• I like a rot rod with loud exhaust, a shiney paint job and a loud radio.
• I like to help people.

Success, I think

So we had the Christening/Baptism/Dedication.... all went well. The rain held off for us. It was cool and gloomy, but at least I didn't have to have everyone in the house at once. People took turns holding and feeding Jesse. That was a nice break for me. My Mom used my camera to take pictures of the ceremony but once again I was so wrapped up in the moment that I didn't take pictures of anything else. Some photographer I am. I think others took pictures so I will just compile them all if they send them to me. I am glad we kept it small, although I heard some people were upset that others weren't invited. I guess they will have to get over it, this was all we could afford and accomodate. Yes, my original plan was to have this mid-summer and do it at the Forest Preserve, but when everything went downhill with Paul and WC it kept getting post poned and I just put this together a couple weeks ago. I did what I could do. If someone wanted it to be bigger, well then I guess those people should have planned it. Here are a few pictures.

Surgery Scheduled / Baptism

We got the call yesterday and scheduled surgery. October 14th, a month away. They offered a sooner appointment, but Paul needs time to get a physical, blood work done, a blood donation and get fitted for a back brace that needs to be made. Plus I will need to put in for my time off and arrange for people to help Paul and take care of Jesse.

This weekend we are getting Jesse Christened/Baptized or whatever you call it. Blessed? Paul and I are not very religious people, but I felt we should have this done. Paul was raised Baptist and I was raised Methodist. We do this ceremony as babies, the Baptists do it when they are older, like 12 or 13. I don't even know. We chose my sister and her husband for his Godparents. There were other people that were candidates, but I felt my sister and her husband were really the best people for the job, they have been a huge part of his life so far, so I felt it was fitting. Plus if Jesse has any special needs in his future, my sister is someone who can accomodate that. We are having the ceremony at the house. My friend Deborah's father is a Pastor and he did this for my friend Shari's kids. It's perfect since we aren't members of a church. Then food and drinks after the ceremony. Everyone is bringing food, so there is no financial burdon on Paul and I to do this. I didn't want money to prevent this from happening. What kinda sucks at the moment is there's rain in the forecast! We don't have the room for everyone inside. We have 14 adults and 3 kids coming and that's just immediate family, the Pastor and his wife. If we are lucky the forecast will change!


Does anyone even read this thing anyway? It's my own personal therapy, so I guess it doesn't even matter.

Fear... Again

Now I am scared again. Paul's having surgery. I try to stay positive, but sometimes that's hard. I can't be naive and ignore the "what if's". They exist and I have to be prepared if a "what if" actually happens. Aside from all that, I realized I will have to do everything myself while Paul is recovering. He's really stepped up since we got married. I didn't have to do everything for myself anymore. But after surgery, I will be taking care of him, Jesse and the house all by myself. The cooking, the cleaning, the yard work, the shopping, errands. The baby and all that comes with that PLUS assisting Paul get around. Oh yes, lets not for get I have to work 43 hours a week. My parents both work, his parents work. My sister is back in school, his sister has her 2 children and her own problems to deal with. I don't even want to rely on anyone. I want to conquer, but I have a feeling that's unrealistic. But what other choice do I have?

Dave Grohl (Foo Fighters) - Wheels (acoustic)

Another song that moved me when I was pregnant.