I've had an emotional day. Things around me sometimes make me think too much. It happened today. I have been teary almost all day. Someone I know had a baby. I am happy for them, but it also makes me remember that day in my life. A day that's supposed to be full of happiness and bliss wasn't for me. I was happy the day my son was born (after all the labor of course), but there were also a ton of other emotions going on that day. So much was going on in my head that I don't even know what I was feeling, I cried whenever I had some privacy, I didn't want anyone to know I was crying. When I started feeling this today, I reached out, to my friends and soon realized no one really understands.
So I contacted Bethany. Bethany is a mother I met on BabyCenter.com. She was in the April Birth Club with me, then in the Cleft group. Her little girl was born a few days after Jesse. Bethany was also unaware she would have a child born with a cleft. Ava's lip was more severe than Jesse's but she doesn't have a cleft palate like Jesse does. Jesse and Ava also had their lip surgeries the same day. So I talked to Bethany about my feelings and she told me she goes through the same thing. Thank God I am not alone. I was starting to feel selfish. I was told I need to get over it. I am happy that Jesse's lip and palate can be repaired, but there's more to it than that. He will most likely be effected by this most of his life, which breaks my heart. The fact that he has to have 2 surgeries in the first year of his life, also breaks my heart. Yes, it could have been worse, he could have been born with a more severe birth defect, a disease or some kind of syndrome, so I am thankful it's something that is somewhat minor. It also messes up my feelings about another child. I wonder if I got lucky the first time and I am just pressing my luck having another. Well, it's not like another child is something that would happen anytime soon anyway.
The name Jesse means Gift, and that's exactly what he is, my gift that I was lucky to get.