Thursday, August 18, 2011

Exciting Stuff

I have a lot on my plate, which is nothing new really, but something new I am very excited about. A couple months back I posted about becoming a Pathfinder for AmeriFace. In the past few weeks I have been able to be a Pathfinder. I have found a few Moms that really needed a person like me. Someone to talk to, someone to ask questions to and someone that reminds them they are not alone! I am taking this to the next level too. The AmeriFace Director and me are planning a picnic! I am so excited about this. We will be getting families together from the Chicagoland area. Talk about helping people feel like they are not alone, this is the epitome of that. Sure a handful of us talk online, but we've never met. No one in this area has ever gotten families together. I am excited to be the founder of the First Annual cleftAdvocate/AmeriFace Illinois Family Fest!

Busy and fun weekend ahead. My towns festival is happening. The town does a good job with festivals, so we are excited to go. We went last year and Jesse enjoyed himself, and he was only 5 months old then. Saturday is our friend Dave's birthday and we decided to take him to the dirt track for the team demolition derby. Always a good time. Jesse is going to his Grandparents house. I thought about taking him to the derby, but I just don't think he'll like it, maybe next summer.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Bad Days

I lost control this week. Basically I cried for like 2 days straight. I was seeking help, from friends, family and professionals. I felt so incredibly low, depressed, helpless like my whole life was spiraling out of control. Today I woke up and everything was fine. Well, not like perfect fine, because my life is no where near perfect, but I didn't feel low, depressed or helpless. What happened overnight? How does one go from their breaking point to being fine after a night's sleep? It's that time. Yup, good ol' PMS. This is something I have not really delt with in a really long time. Before Jesse it was under control with modern medicine, aka the pill. I quit that a few weeks before conceiving Jesse and never went back to taking it. I opted for a different method of birth control because I was taking the pill for so long, I decided it was time for a change and I switched to something my OB recommended.

In the past 2 years, I have obviously had a lot on my plate between Paul and Jesse. I have bad days. When I have those bad days they are pretty bad. But today, I have to wonder if I have these bad days about every 28 days. I never made the connection until today (it only took a year). Likely because I don't get a period on my current birth control, but you still go through the cycle, so it isn't exactly obvious where I am in my cycle. It's not like, ok, I am going to get my period in a few days, so if I am emotional, this is why. Nope, not at all. But now, since I've made that connection, I think I will keep track of where I am in my cycle so I don't go calling counselors and psychiatrists then return back to normal in a few days. There was a sign this morning that this is what's going on, but those are not details I wish to share. Now I am curious how all this will play out. What days my bad days will fall on. In the mean time, I have market the past 2 days on my calendar, so we will see.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011


I have had a lot on my mind lately. I am all across the board and everything is causing a lot of emotion and sleeplessness.

There's the incident that I explained in yesterday's post. No need to elaborate on that one. I've pretty much had it with a long time friend of mine. She's been treating me like crap for too long now and I am done with it. She's lied to me one too many times. I need to cleanse myself from that toxic relationship. I don't wish any ill will on her, I'm just done with it.

One of my cleft Mom friends is expecting again. She shared with me a long time ago that she was pregnant, before she told a lot of people. She was scared about having another cleft baby, which I don't blame her. I would feel the same way and I am hesitant to have another due to the possibility of a cleft. Not that a child can't live a totally normal life with a cleft, but the stress of going through surgeries, feeding issues, ear issues, teeth issues, etc. I don't know if I can do it all again. But we are not even close to wanting another child, so it's not something I am making a decision about any time soon.

My friend had her 20 week ultrasound yesterday. We chatted a little before her appointment and she expressed how nervous she was about it, to the point of making herself sick with anxiety. I told her I would feel the same way. After her appointment she announced that she's having another girl and the 3D ultrasound shows NO CLEFT! I am so happy for her, I even got teary when I saw the images this morning then she said to me, "there is hope for a normal child. I am proof". Such simple words yet very powerful ones.

I also have on my mind some upcoming changes. We don't know exactly what these changes will be but we know there will be some changes. Changes in Paul's medical treatment and possibly changes with Jesse's daycare. Both are stressful subjects, but you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes and we will do our best with what we have.

Monday, August 8, 2011


I went to a party over the weekend. It was a friends birthday. I almost didn't go because Jesse hasn't been feeling well. I figured, if he's tired and crabby I can just leave. It started early and I was told kids are welcome.

We get there, we are social with people there. All is well. Then this other couple shows up. They talk about how they have an 8 month old, and they were observing Jesse and some things they have to look forward to. The guy said something about his baby being home sleeping. Paul has met the guy a few times before, I know I have met him too, but neither of us really "know" him or his wife. They seem pretty normal.

The party goes on, Jesse gets tired and crabby, so I decide it's time for me and him to go, Paul decides to stay and catch a ride from a friend of ours. When Paul got home he told me some things that happened at the party after I left. I guess the girl was over talking to the other girls for a while then stepped away. The guy walks away from Paul to get himself a beer and walks up to the group of girls and asks if his wife pissed them off yet? Then says something about how she went to check on the baby. I guess all hell broke loose. The group of women (all of which I know) start yelling and threatening to call the police. This couple left their baby home alone! The second Paul told me my heart just dropped. I am shocked and appalled. Had I been there I would have called the police, no doubt. Really, did these people think this was ok because they only live a few blocks away and she was sleeping! That is not acceptable in any way, shape or form.

So then Paul proceeds to tell me that the guy has a bad alcohol problem, was bragging about how he finishes a 30 pack of beer in a day or two. He was also upset that his wife drank so much vodka and said he was going to beat her when they got home. Are you serious?!? I couldn't even sleep because I was so upset by what I heard. People like this don't deserve to have children.