Friday, October 29, 2010


Paul is getting better. Baby steps. Hoping for a good Halloween weekend.
We went for the post-op appointment on Wednesday. Dr. K said Paul's doing good so far. He wants him to walk more. In a month he'd like him to be able to walk a mile and a half. Works for me. I am ready to get back to walking, I am sure Jesse and Coda are too. The doctor took x-rays, which look like he wanted them to. We are hoping they look just as expected when he goes back in a month. Here's what an x-ray of a double spine fusion looks like. The strange circles and square rings are the metal from his brace. In the middle there are the screws and rods that are holding his spine together. This hardware will be there forever. I am told they don't set off metal detectors, we shall see next time we fly.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

12 days post-op

I somewhat feel I have missed 12 days of my life, more or less. These past 12 days have been hard, yet kind of a blur. Hard for Paul, hard on me. I hope Jesse is not experiencing any effect from all of this. He seems to be doing well, his happy little self.

I need to admit I am bitter and resentful. I can't help it. It's been a rough 10 months. For me, for him, for US. We will get through this. There's no other option. I am not giving up. I try to stay positive, but it's hard without my soul mate. He's not himself right now. He isn't making me smile and laugh everyday which is what feeds my soul. The smile and laughter of my sweet little boy is the fuel that keeps me going.

I put on my happy face in the morning, even though it has some bags under the eyes. I try to play nice, be positive, do all the things I am supposed to do and run through this daily routine called life. But sometimes someone forgets to put on their verbal filter and I snap. I bite my tounge more often than not, but I will react eventually. It might be a full out melt down, or it could just be a nasty comment headed your way. I never know until it happens. I am sorry, but just a little. I don't want your pity, but just don't expect any pity from me. It's just not going to happen. You have not walked in my shoes these past 12 days, so you don't even know. Hell, most people in my life have not walked in my shoes for the past year and 3 months since this began. I know things could be worse, I realize that and I am thankful for what I DO have.

That they may have a little peace, even the best dogs are compelled to snarl occasionally.
- William Feather

Thursday, October 21, 2010


It's been a long week. Surgery was last Thursday. What a long day that was. The surgery was a success, recovery needs to be as well. We got there at 5:30. My sister met us there to take Jesse for the day. We went in, got to a pre-op room. He was given a gown to change into. Nurses came in, asked questions, got his IV in, all that stuff. Then they sent us to this waiting room area where the anesthesiologist came in to talk, then Dr. K. They took him away about 7:30am. I met my Mom in the waiting room. We went to breakfast. A long breakfast. I knew the surgery would be at least 4 hours and I wouldn't be able to see him until he was out of the recovery room. Mom and I talked a lot at breakfast. I needed the distraction. I plurged and got the pumkin pancakes, eggs and bacon. I had gotten them last October when Paul had his first Myelogram at Edwards and I was pregnant. They are sinful. I felt I deserved them again. This would be the 4th surgery/procedure at Edward's Hospital within a year. There's more to come as well.

First Attempt at the IV

Waiting for the anesthesiologist
Dr. K met with us after he was done and informed us the surgery was a success. He mentioned that he didn't have to do the bone graft either, that he was able to use bone he shaved off and a small amount of cadaver bone. He stated we'd be able to see Paul in about an hour and a half when they moved him to his room. It was about 12:30, so my Mom offered to stay so I could run home, eat some lunch and take a break. So I did. I returned around 2pm and we still waited another hour and a half. I wish I had known, I would have taken a nap at home, lol. Between 3 & 3:30 they wheeled him out of recovery and we were headed to his room. Mom left to go home, I followed Paul upstairs to his room on the 3rd floor. I must say, the rooms look nice. I remember passing some rooms and wondering if they were the fancy rooms for rich people, thinking Paul would get a crappy room at the end of the hall that they save for WC insurance. Much to my surprise, Paul was put into one of these "fancy" rooms. There was a lot of wood, that's all, they really weren't as fancy as I had originally thought.

Paul got settled in and he was on a Morphine IV. I stayed for a few hours then I had to eat dinner with my family and get Jesse. Paul was not happy I left. In fact, the nurses had him move to a chair after I left and he got sick. He should have only been sitting for about 20 minutes and they left him there for over 1/2 hour holding the full puke bucket with the door open and no underwear on. He called me upset, so I called the nurse and complained.

Notice the lock?

I returned to the hospital early the next day so I could see Dr. K and hear what more he had to say. He didn't really have much to say, but did check Paul out thoroughly. Dad came over in the morning and took Jesse over to Cheryl's for the day. I spent several more hours there. Dave came by the hospital and bought me lunch then visited Paul. I left after lunch to get Jesse and stop at home. Dave offered to come to the house later and spend the night with Coda. Mom came and picked up Jesse for the weekend so I was left with no responsibility but to take care of Paul for the night. I got back to the hospital and Paul's Morphine IV was running out. It was shift change and there was some confusion. Before I knew it Paul was in some major pain and started going into shock, he was shaking, seizing and praying for it to stop. A got a nurse in and she indicated that the morphione ran out. She put in the new bag and had Paul push the button for his dose. She then did an override and gave him 3 extra doses, gave him 2 oral norcos and a valium. They changed the ice pack too, which was warm because no one had changed it for a while. It took about an hour and a half and they got him back to normal. That was scary as hell. I spent the night. There's this bench that folded out into a bed.

Since I have already made this long I will try to be breif with the rest. Saturday wasn't too bad, his parents visited in the afternoon. I stayed as long as I could then went home to sleep in my own bed and spend some time with the dog. I went back up there about 9am Sunday morning and we learned he was going to be released between 11am and noon. I got him home, trying to avoid every bump in the road and he was finally able to relax. I got him settled and spent some time straightening up the house, then my parents arrived with my little boy whom I so dearly missed. It was great having my family home and together again.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The time has come

Tomorrow's the big day. I can't really describe how I feel. I have been swamped at work all day and I don't even think I can get done what I need to before 5 o'clock, it's already past 3 and I am sure I will be here late. Then when I go home I have things to do to prepare for tomorrow and I expect I will be up around 4:30, if I get any sleep at all. I need to pack up Jesse for the day as my sister is meeting me at the hospital to take him. Later, my Mom will meet me at the hospital so I don't have to sit and wait alone. I don't know what to expect. Of course the world around me says everything will be fine, but how can you be so sure? I don't want to seem negetive, because that's not my intentions, but I am mentally preparing for the worst, then anything better is just gravy. Right? I have daydreams about this, well they are more like nightmares. I run through the day in my mind through various different scenarios. People probably think I shouldn't do that, that I am just torturing myself. But I know how my mind works and it's something I need to do.

I plan on documenting this. I have not decided if I am going to do videos or stills, but my camera will be there. Hopefully this time I actually use the damn thing, even if the nurses think I am crazy.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Date Night

Well, tonight is our last chance to get out before surgery, so we are going to Evviva in Lisle. Paul's parents gave us a gift certificate for $25. We will also hit the bar, probably before. Tomorrow night Paul will be fasting for surgery. My friend is babysitting, I think Paul's a little nervous because she's never babysat for us before. I am sure she'll do just fine, I trust her.

Paul texted me this morning. He's in a lot of pain and he's pretty down. I am pretty sure he didn't get much sleep last night. He's worried that he isn't getting stuff done, but at this point, I really don't care.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Indian Summer

This is my absolute favorite time of year. The leaves are turning and the air is warm. The colors are stunning. Halloween is around the corner. The smell of leaves, cider, pumpkin. This past weekend was in the 70's and 80's. We went to the pumpkin patch, took pictures of Jesse in his Halloween costume and had a night beside a fire with coctails and friends. Perfect, aside from a teething baby.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Jesse's Check Up

We had Jesse's 6 month check up last night. He's weighing in at 19lbs 1oz, 27inches long and 18" head. He's in the 75th percentile for height and weight and the 90th for his head size. Big difference from the 25th percentile he was a few months ago. He got his next round of vaccination boosters plus a Flu/H1N1 vaccination. He did ok, only cried for a little bit and was fine when we got home. He went to bed about 8:30 then was up at 12:30, then 4, then 5, then 6, then 6:30. I picked him up at 6:30 and he was hot, so I took his temp, 99.8. So I gave him some Tylenol, fed him a bottle, then he vomited half of it up. I wonder if this is from the flu vaccine. He didn't have this kind of reaction from his pervious shots.
Hopefully he's feeling better now, he's at Cheryl's house.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Another one approaches

We had a good weekend, despite the chill of fall. Friday the weather was beautiful. Paul's brother took us to a Sox game. Jesse's first game and our first and only game of the season. We tailgated, had some cocktails and shared the experience with our son. It was a magical evening. We had good times and new experiences.

I love when he falls asleep in my arms.

My mind is now flooded with thoughts of what lied ahead of us. I've started to think of things I need to do to prepare for this next life changing experience. I have fears, not sure how realistic they really are. I figure if I think the worst will happen, I will be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't. There's also a side of me that thinks positively, but I am trying tnot to be naive and think nothing bad can happen because it can. I hope it doesn't, but it can.
I need to talk to Paul about his wishes if something bad does happen. I need to be prepared. I also need to prepare meals, it will be hard for me taking care of him and Jesse yet still keep the house in some kind of order. If the house is in dissaray, it will be hard for me to make the most effective use of my time. I only have 4 days I am planning on taking off. Obviously the day of surgery, then I will be returning to work the next day, Friday. Paul will be taken care of in the hospital, so I don't want to waste a day off when I know he's being taken care of. He will still be in the hospital on Saturday, so I can use that day to prepare the house for his coming home. He will be released on Sunday or Monday assuming everything goes as planned. I am taking Monday and Tuesday off as well, the rest of the week we have people coming over to help him. The second week I am taking the Wednesday off so I can go with him to the follow up appointment.
I really worry how well I will be able to take care of both Jesse and Paul. Haven't I had enough challenges so far this year? There's got to be more? A few more actually.