Tuesday, October 26, 2010

12 days post-op

I somewhat feel I have missed 12 days of my life, more or less. These past 12 days have been hard, yet kind of a blur. Hard for Paul, hard on me. I hope Jesse is not experiencing any effect from all of this. He seems to be doing well, his happy little self.

I need to admit I am bitter and resentful. I can't help it. It's been a rough 10 months. For me, for him, for US. We will get through this. There's no other option. I am not giving up. I try to stay positive, but it's hard without my soul mate. He's not himself right now. He isn't making me smile and laugh everyday which is what feeds my soul. The smile and laughter of my sweet little boy is the fuel that keeps me going.

I put on my happy face in the morning, even though it has some bags under the eyes. I try to play nice, be positive, do all the things I am supposed to do and run through this daily routine called life. But sometimes someone forgets to put on their verbal filter and I snap. I bite my tounge more often than not, but I will react eventually. It might be a full out melt down, or it could just be a nasty comment headed your way. I never know until it happens. I am sorry, but just a little. I don't want your pity, but just don't expect any pity from me. It's just not going to happen. You have not walked in my shoes these past 12 days, so you don't even know. Hell, most people in my life have not walked in my shoes for the past year and 3 months since this began. I know things could be worse, I realize that and I am thankful for what I DO have.

That they may have a little peace, even the best dogs are compelled to snarl occasionally.
- William Feather

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