Friday, January 27, 2012

I just have to say

Yes, I am aware that many of my posts are negetive. I try and throw a happy one in every now and then. But the fact remains, I am going through a lot of shitty things in my life and this is where I vent so I don't go insane. Not sure if anyone even reads this anyway.
The weekend is almost here and I am so looking forward to not thinking about my problems for a few days. That's all.

Developmental Milestone

Jesse has been making very good progress in Speech Therapy. He's got so many new words and he's imitating very well. He's even been saying his own name. The Speech Path says that's a huge developmental milestone that puts him ahead of kids his age, especially with his name being a harder one for the littles.Go Jesse! Keep up the good work little man!

This song makes me happy when I hear it. It reminds me of him. A little bit because of the words and also because he loves it too.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Just when you think things can't get worse...

They do! Maybe I am naive for thinking things couldn't get worse. Or maybe I have not hit rock bottom yet? Or maybe I am being tested once again to make sure I appreciate money when we finally do get a settlement for Paul's back injury? I don't know. What I do know is another curve ball got sent my way.

Monday morning I came into the office like any other Monday morning. My boss tells me we are having a team meeting at 10:30, like we do every other Monday morning. We sit down and make to do lists for the week and talk about business. We did that, then my boss says, now just listen.... uh oh. Uh oh is right. He proceeds to tell me that the company can no longer afford to employ me full time, that he's switching me to part time, 3 days a week! There was some other stuff, but honestly I don't think I even heard it because I was so distraught. I recall him saying something like, "Paul's working now, right?" I think I said something like, "yes, but not full time, he's making less money than he was getting work comp checks." Then I ask, when this is effective, he says next week. Wait, what?!?! You are cuttuing my pay by 40% and you give me a weeks notice??? I ask, "Can you at least give me two weeks?" He complies, but that's still not even enough time. I have to figure out how I am going to support my family in less than 2 weeks. Thanks boss! 10 years with you and you give me 2 weeks notice for a drastic pay cut. Perfect. I heard things like "I'll help you" or something, but the help I need is FULL TIME HOURS. I ask if I can step out, he says yes. I am not even sure the discussion was over, but I heard enough.

I b-line to my car and call my husband, no answer. I call again and he answers, I am so hysterical that I can't even talk. I think I cried the rest of the day. Thank goodness Paul had a xanax and muscle relaxer to give me when I got home because I was a mess, he even picked Jesse up from daycare for me. I don't think I have ever been so devistated in my life. Not soley because of my job, but because of all the other events in my life leading up to this. This was the LAST thing I needed. Of course I want to spend more time with my son, but at this cost? No thanks. I would have much preferred to do that on my own terms, when I am more financially stable, that's for sure.

So since the moment I stepped back into my office, I have been networking like crazy, loooking for part time or full time work. I have sent out handfulls of resumes already, I am not dropping the ball on this one, I can't. I need to be able to pay my mortgage next month! Not just the mortgage (which my new salary barely covers), but also my car payment, utilities, oh yeah, and food.

I'll do what I have to do, even if it means cleaning toilets for dirty, nasty truckers.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

An Update

I'm not going to lie, this past week has been rough. Hard on me, hard on Jesse, but mostly hard on Paul. He returned to work last Wednesday. He went in, as requested, on time and had a meeting with the owner of the company and the head of HR. They discussed what he would be doing, what time he was expected to be there, plans for the future, etc. Mostly procedural stuff. He was told he could have some time to get reacclimated into the work force, but Paul's not that kind of guy. He's a jump in with 2 feet kind of guy, so he did. Probably a bad idea, but he did not think of the consequences at the time. He's been wanting to get back for a very long time now, probably since the day his doctor told him he couldn't work. He is not the kind of person that likes to just sit around. He was very sore after day 1, then again after day 2, then surprise, after day 3 as well. Sure, a person is going to be sore after not working for over 2 years, so he just chalked it up to that. After spending 85% of the weekend on the couch or in bed, he started to realize that this is not good.

He returned to work Monday morning and talked to the head of HR and told her that he probably shouldn't have started at 8 hours a day and wants to cut it back to 6 hours a day, she had no problem with that. By noon I am getting texts from him starting with, "I don't think they know that my spine is fused together". Last night we discussed this and no, they didn't know his spine was fused together. In fact, when he told his supervisor this information, I believe he was asked, "Why are you here?". He went to bed at 9:45pm last night, that never happens. Ever.

Today he went back to do another 6 hours. At 3:20 I get a text from him that says, "I need to figure out how to make money working from home. Quickly. This would be a great job if I didn't have a broken spine." followed by "I guess I should have become a musician when I had the chance." It's very saddening to me. It breaks my heart to see him like this. It's been breaking my heart for the past 2 1/2 years since he was injured.

Jesse and I just have mostly routine changes. We can adapt. He's used to seeing his Daddy in the morning and when he gets home. I am used to having someone do some chores when I am at work and have dinner started. I just have to carry more weight around the house. We'll manage. We need this income, but we don't need his pain getting worse. We can live of WC pay (barely), but even if he goes back to that, it's not going to last forever. Seems like decisions need to be made, and they won't be easy ones.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

How Could I Forget?

The Rahn Family Christmas Card

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Going Back

That last post, I think I wrote it before new years and never published, which is why I am doing 2 posts in one day. NYE was good. Paul's parents took Jesse for the night. We hit the bar for a couple hours to be social, then headed home. We got back about 10:45-11 so we could ring in the new year at home and without the dangers on the road. We had a great time.

Last week Paul got the letter that he's been dreading. The one requests his presence at work. Yup, back to work. Honestly I don't know how he can go back to work when he's still heavily medicated and in pain. I guess we'll see how this all goes. The letter states "We are happy to hear you are feeling better." Um, what?? Who told you he's feeling better? Is this what you are assuming because he was released to light duty? Well you are mistaken.

Since the arrival of the letter Paul's been filled with anxiety. Yes, he wants to return to work. He wants to get out of the house, he wants to earn income. But he hasn't worked in 2 years, he's still in pain, his company hasn't exactly treated him well, etc. This will be quite an adjustment.... for all of us. Jesse is going to miss the time with his Daddy, I will miss the help maintaining a household and I am going to miss coming home to him. Sounds like little stuff, this I know, but none of us adjust to change very well, but we will get through it, we always do.

Come and Gone

Christmas has come and gone. It went by fast. Remind me again why people prepare for this day months in advance? Seems like a waste of energy. I still have a little Grinch in me, I guess. Maybe because this holiday wasn't as magical as it was made out to be. It wasn't bad... but it was certainly not magical. Is it my attitude? Or is it just what happens.

I really hate that this holiday is about gifts. I think I mentioned before that I don't remember gifts from Christmas past, I remember the occasion. Which I think is much more important than any material posession. Paul and I cut back dramatically with each other, but I think we both did good. Got a few needed things and a few wanted things. We didn't go overboard with Jesse because we knew he'd be getting a lot from relatives, and we were right about that. I think I liked the scaled back version of Christmas.

Christmas Eve was spent at my parents home. Probably the last one they will host for us. They went all out with the food and there was no pressure on when to arrive. It was nice and relaxed, but a bit short if you ask me. But that's how things are when littles are involved. I wish everyone could understand that. The kids played, opened presents and my parents made an awesome surf-n-turf dinner. There were crab legs, tenderloin, green beans, potatoes, I don't even remember what else, probably because there was steak and crab. A nice evening had by all.

Christmas morning we did the usual, opened the gifts that Santa brought, then endulged in stuffed strawberry french toast and bacon. I wished I had some bloody mary's or mimosa's, but I obviously I failed in that planning, but I survived. Jesse went down for a nap and the plan was to head over to Paul's parents when he woke. Which we did, and I warned them we'd be late. They started about 2 and we arrived at 3:15. We got there and our neices already opened their gifts and within 5 minutes we were asked if Jesse would open his. Um, no. He hasn't even warmed up to being here yet. A little time went by and before I knew it, his gifts were piled in the middle of the room and it was expected he open. I think he opened one. Before the night was over, almost all of them got opened, but what fun is that? Being pressured to open gifts. Dumb.
We all survived. Until next year.