'i am not afraid. i was born to do this.'

My title is a quote I saw on a website. Seems fitting and has a lot of meanings. I was born to be a wife, a mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a fighter, a lover. Take things as they come and do my best. Some things are scary, very scary, but what doesn't kill me will make me stronger, right? There's no other option.

Next week we have a court hearing. Trying to decide if I should go. Paul needs to be there, I should probably be there too. A judge will decide Paul's treatment. He saw his doctor yesterday and he's standing firm on the fusion surgery. He said he refuses to let a less competent doctor decide what should be done about HIS patient. He told Paul to stay active and increase the pain medications in order to do so. He doesn't want Paul giving up and laying in bed all day. Last time I spoke with our attorney, he was very confident the judge will side with Paul and Dr. K. I hope so. If we don't "win" we will get our own second opinion.

Jesse is doing great. I see him grow and grow more and more every day. Not only physically, but mentally. Yesterday he didn't really like me much. No matter what I did he fussed, so I put him down and let him be and he was fine... a friend called so I spent some time catching up with her. This morning he seemed to be over whatever was bothering him yesterday (possibly teething). I almost didn't want to drop him off at daycare. Come 5 o'clock, he will be mine again, hopefully not crabby.

"do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself"

A Magical Day

It was a day, just like any other day, but was a special day in my eyes and one that I cannot forget. The Friday before Labor Day. My office closes early on the Friday before a holiday. Jesse spent the morning at daycare with Cheryl and I met Paul there after my office closed at 1pm. We hopped in the car and took I-55 north to 1st Avenue. The zoo! One of my favorite places. I have a membership. We went when I was still on maternity leave, once with Cheryl and Jesse and once with Paul and Jesse. Both times the little guy just napped. Not this time. We got there and unloaded the car into the stroller. It was a beautiful day too, mid-70's, sunny and breezy. We got in taking the usual path. You can't take the stroller in most of the buildings so you have to park it outside. Last time Jesse was only a few weeks old so Paul and I left him snuggled in his carrier and took turns going in the buildings. Not this time. We took him out to see the wonders on the inside. The first one was pretty dark, so I am sure he didn't see that bats crawling up the mesh and hanging in the trees. We found a picnic area and sat to eat the lunch Paul packed. Sammies, chips and 2 beers. :) We love that you can bring your own cooler in. We ate lunch and gave Jesse a bottle and continued on our way. The next stop, The Living Coast. One of the coolest newer attractions at the zoo. We went in, Jesse was mesmerized by the iridescent fish stickers on the walls. We got to the big tanks and his eyes glared in at the large fish and penguins swimming about. Then we get to the simulated wave, which honestly scared him. Then the free flight room with penguins and sea gulls. The sea gulls were flying all over the place and I just watched him make his own new discovery. Paul was holding him and they just took my breath away. We came out and there was a fountain thing. I am sure there's a name for it but that name escapes me. It's where water shoots out of the ground and the kids play in it. But there were no kids playing in it because it was just too cool and windy. Paul was still holding Jesse and they got a mist and the two of them just laughed at another new discovery. We continued on hitting the other buildings with free flight areas. We got to see the Macaw's up close, with their magnificant colors and Jesse just stared at them. It was a pretty special day for me. Spending a beautiful sunny afternoon with the two biggest loves of my life, watching one seeing things he's never seen before and watching the other experience what fatherhood is all about.

Fly me away

I got hooked on this song when I was pregnant with Jesse from the Amazon Kindle commercial. I used to sing it to him every time the commercial came on. Now it reminds me of him.

At least I have this little man...

.... who brings a smile to my face every day.

Today is his 5 month birthday.

Going downhill

Our bad situations have gotten worse. Paul's no longer getting work comp benefits, which means he's not getting a paycheck. Theoretically he could go back to work... but both his doctor and lawyer don't recommend it. He's physically not able, plus it can be used against him in the case making his employer think he's able to work, even though he would be in mass amounts of pain. We have no money. None. We are down to our last dollars. The mortgage is paid, most of the bills are paid, but there's also no money coming in except for my measly income, which just doesn't cut it, not even close. I am looking for another job, but I don't think it will make much difference. Nothing I can do part time will make enough to cover Paul's income. We don't even have anything to sell, not even our house. We owe more than it's worth due to the economy.

There's a hearing on September 7th. That's a week from Tuesday. If it goes in our favor, we may be able to recover. That's over a week away. We have groceries, the mortgage is paid and I have food and diapers for Jesse. Those are the most important things.

I see a laughing child

So I wanted to talk about this amazing woman in my life, my Aunt Carrie. Not until recently did I really bond with her. Not that anything was wrong with our relationship before, but something changed when I became a mother. She was one of the first people in my extended family to come over and meet Jesse. I will never forget what she said to me that day. She told me God gave us Jesse because he knew we could handle it. She went on a little about how Paul and I as older parents could handle Jesse having a cleft, that younger parents would probably have a really hard time. I am not as religious as her, but I have the utmost respect for her and her beliefs. She's probably right, I do believe that everything happens for a reason and we were given Jesse for a reason.... the gift


So here's the scoop on Aunt Carrie. She's the youngest of 7 kids, my Dad's baby sister. My Dad has her beat by 15 years. She's only 13 years older than me. My Dad's younger siblings are almost like older siblings to me. My Grandmother (her Mother) passed away when she was only 15 or 16. I was Aunt Carrie's flower girl in her wedding. She married young, maybe 20 years old? She's married to a Downers Grove cop and she's a Florist at heart, not currently a Florist for a living, I am sure she wishes she was. She did all the flower arrangements for almost every family wedding and major function including my wedding reception, aside from being gifted in other ways, she's a very gifted Florist. She had twin boys when she was 24. Kyle and Jacob, also 2 very amazing people, I must say. 5 years later she had a baby girl, Hallie, who is growing up to be another amazing person in this family.


I call her SuperMom. She must have been born with this gift or something. I don't know. Since I became a mother (and even a few times before Jesse was born) and I feel like I can ask her anything and talk to her for hours. She gives me her advise and opinions but lets me make my own decisions. My sister is on her way to becoming a SuperMom too....


She has babysat for us a few times. She loves having a baby to take care of. She came over yesterday to give Paul a break. The two of them ended up talking half the afternoon and she stayed another hour and a half after I got home too. She's just so easy to talk to.


So today I send a picture out to a few friends and family. Jesse was laughing last night and I snapped a picture where you can see his cleft palate. I said in the email that this is what a cleft soft palate looks like.





Her reply, "Funny, I see a laughing child. Thanks for letting me be with Jesse yesterday, it was fun."


THAT is what makes her special and I love her for that.

Just One

I took this picture the other day and fell in love with it. I just grabbed the camera and got this shot, the only shot, before the camera battery died. I usually taken dozens and pick one or two that I really like... this time, just one.