The time has come

Tomorrow's the big day. I can't really describe how I feel. I have been swamped at work all day and I don't even think I can get done what I need to before 5 o'clock, it's already past 3 and I am sure I will be here late. Then when I go home I have things to do to prepare for tomorrow and I expect I will be up around 4:30, if I get any sleep at all. I need to pack up Jesse for the day as my sister is meeting me at the hospital to take him. Later, my Mom will meet me at the hospital so I don't have to sit and wait alone. I don't know what to expect. Of course the world around me says everything will be fine, but how can you be so sure? I don't want to seem negetive, because that's not my intentions, but I am mentally preparing for the worst, then anything better is just gravy. Right? I have daydreams about this, well they are more like nightmares. I run through the day in my mind through various different scenarios. People probably think I shouldn't do that, that I am just torturing myself. But I know how my mind works and it's something I need to do.

I plan on documenting this. I have not decided if I am going to do videos or stills, but my camera will be there. Hopefully this time I actually use the damn thing, even if the nurses think I am crazy.

Date Night

Well, tonight is our last chance to get out before surgery, so we are going to Evviva in Lisle. Paul's parents gave us a gift certificate for $25. We will also hit the bar, probably before. Tomorrow night Paul will be fasting for surgery. My friend is babysitting, I think Paul's a little nervous because she's never babysat for us before. I am sure she'll do just fine, I trust her.

Paul texted me this morning. He's in a lot of pain and he's pretty down. I am pretty sure he didn't get much sleep last night. He's worried that he isn't getting stuff done, but at this point, I really don't care.

Indian Summer

This is my absolute favorite time of year. The leaves are turning and the air is warm. The colors are stunning. Halloween is around the corner. The smell of leaves, cider, pumpkin. This past weekend was in the 70's and 80's. We went to the pumpkin patch, took pictures of Jesse in his Halloween costume and had a night beside a fire with coctails and friends. Perfect, aside from a teething baby.

Jesse's Check Up

We had Jesse's 6 month check up last night. He's weighing in at 19lbs 1oz, 27inches long and 18" head. He's in the 75th percentile for height and weight and the 90th for his head size. Big difference from the 25th percentile he was a few months ago. He got his next round of vaccination boosters plus a Flu/H1N1 vaccination. He did ok, only cried for a little bit and was fine when we got home. He went to bed about 8:30 then was up at 12:30, then 4, then 5, then 6, then 6:30. I picked him up at 6:30 and he was hot, so I took his temp, 99.8. So I gave him some Tylenol, fed him a bottle, then he vomited half of it up. I wonder if this is from the flu vaccine. He didn't have this kind of reaction from his pervious shots.
Hopefully he's feeling better now, he's at Cheryl's house.

Another one approaches

We had a good weekend, despite the chill of fall. Friday the weather was beautiful. Paul's brother took us to a Sox game. Jesse's first game and our first and only game of the season. We tailgated, had some cocktails and shared the experience with our son. It was a magical evening. We had good times and new experiences.

I love when he falls asleep in my arms.

My mind is now flooded with thoughts of what lied ahead of us. I've started to think of things I need to do to prepare for this next life changing experience. I have fears, not sure how realistic they really are. I figure if I think the worst will happen, I will be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't. There's also a side of me that thinks positively, but I am trying tnot to be naive and think nothing bad can happen because it can. I hope it doesn't, but it can.

I need to talk to Paul about his wishes if something bad does happen. I need to be prepared. I also need to prepare meals, it will be hard for me taking care of him and Jesse yet still keep the house in some kind of order. If the house is in dissaray, it will be hard for me to make the most effective use of my time. I only have 4 days I am planning on taking off. Obviously the day of surgery, then I will be returning to work the next day, Friday. Paul will be taken care of in the hospital, so I don't want to waste a day off when I know he's being taken care of. He will still be in the hospital on Saturday, so I can use that day to prepare the house for his coming home. He will be released on Sunday or Monday assuming everything goes as planned. I am taking Monday and Tuesday off as well, the rest of the week we have people coming over to help him. The second week I am taking the Wednesday off so I can go with him to the follow up appointment.

I really worry how well I will be able to take care of both Jesse and Paul. Haven't I had enough challenges so far this year? There's got to be more? A few more actually.

Judging

So I had an emotional day yesterday. I think it was because of Sunday. We went to BBQ at Paul's aunt and uncles house. Paul's family was there and there were also people I had never met before. I bundled Jesse up because it was pretty cool outside and it was an outdoor party. I think I dressed him quite well. Anyway, at events like this I always feel like I am being judged. Judged as a mother. I ask myself these questions over and over. I wonder what other people think. Paul tells me he doesn't care, that I shouldn't care, that we are doing a good job as parents. I try not to react to some of Jesse's challenges, so he doesn't become the kid who freaks out everytime something happens. Like he gets "chokey". Because of his cleft palate he gets this chokey thing going on. He's kind of choking on his saliva. But he's not really choking, he's still breathing, it just goes down the wrong pipe per say. I don't want to freak out when it happens because then he will. I play it cool and tell him he's ok. This is one thing that I think I am judged on. I think people who see this are like, "omg, she didn't even pick up her own child when he was choking, what kind of mother does that".

I don't think people around us realize the challenges we face with his cleft. Yes, he had his lip repaired, but it's his palate that causes more problems. Eating is certainly a challenge. When he ate only formula he was having a hard time with the sucking. We cut the nipples but it still took a long time to get a bottle down. Things got better after the lip surgery and I switched nipples to the silicone ones and those are also cut. What really made the difference in his weight gain and development was the cereal and baby food. He eats really well. BUT that also brought on a new challenge. Since the cleft in his palate leads right to his nasal cavity, food will go up there. Sometimes it happens from a sneeze, sometimes from a cough or sometimes he'll be eating and it will just start oozing out his nose. Obviously this can't be all that comfortable, but again, I don't react. I just move forward with the feeding session. His cleft makes him sneeze more and cough more than your average kid. This doesn't mean he's sick. It's because more air goes through there and makes him sneeze or cough. It makes quite the mess when he sneezes while eating, but what can you do, it's going to happen.

Back to the judging. I guess because I was uneducated about clefts before I had a child with one, I assume other people are also uneducated. I constantly feel like people think I did something wrong to cause his birth defect. Like that I didn't take my vitamins, like I took meds I wasn't supposed to. Or that they think I smoke and drank a lot during my pregnancy or something. The truth is that I have no idea why it happened. I didn't do anything wrong. I ate good food, took my vitamins, wasn't at all negligent in my pregnancy. No one knows why clefts happen unless it's genetic. In our case there's no family history, so it's probably not genetic. Paul was telling me last night that WE know there's no reason why he was born with a birth defect and WE are the only ones that matter. I should stop caring what other people think. I should stop explaining and spewing out statistics to everyone that he encounters. He's probably right. I should stop caring what other people think. The only people that matter are Paul, Jesse and myself. Paul doesn't blame me, I shouldn't blame myself and when Jesse is old enough we will explain it to him.

More talking about myself

Things that I don't like:

• I don't like it when people tell me how to be a mother. If I do something different than what you did, doesn't mean I am doing it wrong. I also want to have learning experiences in this new, wonderful adventure.
• I don't like liars, cheaters or thieves.
• I don't like it when people don't respect me.
• I don't like it when people don't stick to their word.
• I don't like people who can't be honest with themselves.
• I don't like cleaning the toilet, especially when I didn't make it gross.
• I don't like deciding what to eat.
• I don't like arrogance.
• I don't like when people don't have common courtesy.
• I don't like it when people try and play head games.
• I don't like parents that play favorites.
• I don't like feeling helpless.
• I don't like it when my friends or family are sad or scared.
• I don't like it when bad things happen to good people.
• I don't like people that drive like idiots.
• I don't like it when people talk behind my back.
• I don't like my post-baby body.
• I don't like watching my loved ones in pain, especially my son.
• I don't like it when people ask if Jesse is a boy or a girl's name.
• I don't like when people use liquor or being drunk as an excuse.
• I don't like eggplant.
• I don't like mouth sounds. Like when I can hear you eating or your saliva.
• I don't like that I have to work when I'd rather be home with my son.
• I don't like water that isn't cold.
• I don't like waiting.
• I don't like certain textures of food.
• I don't like when people gloat.
• I don't like when people treat their children as an inconvenience.
• I don't like when people complain about things that they have some kind of control over.

Ok, that's all for now. I think I feel better.