I think I am mostly caught up

I will say, being a mother is amazing. I love every second of it, even if I am exhausted at times. I admit, I do have bad days. Sometimes I feel a lot of guilt. Sometimes I have a lot of stress too. I think back to my pregnancy and try to figure out what I did to cause this. The truth is no one really knows what causes it. There are certain medications (like siezure, anxiety and depression medications) that are known to cause it, but I didn't take any of those medications. I didn't take any medications when I was pregnant except Benedryl and Tylenol, which are both approved. In my third trimester I took Ambien a few times, but that's also considered safe. The face and palate are formed between 5 and 10 weeks of gestation, so I keep trying to recall what happened then. I can't come up with anything. I wasn't even sick. Even if I could come up with something, it's not like I can go back in time and change it. My aunt told me, "God game him to us for a reason. He was given to us because we are strong and can handle this." I am not even a very religious person, but that meant a lot to me.

We saw the plastic surgeon again last week, she said we could schedule his surgery, so it is set for June 30th. I thought it was hard watching Paul go into surgery, now I have to watch my 3 month old son go through it. It's scary. We just have to make sure he's eating enough between now and then so he's healthy enough to go through it. He will get checked 2 weeks prior to make sure he's gained enough weight and has nothing else going on. The first surgery will repair his lip and nose and he will also get ear tubes. If all goes well it will be an outpatient procedure. When he gets the palate repair (between 6 and 9 months) he will be in the hospital for a few days. Both procedures are being done at Edwards, so at least it's close.

Aside from all this we are dealing with Paul and his back. He isn't getting any better. It's nice that he's able to be home with Jesse while I am at work, but I wish it wasn't under these circumstances. He's going to need a bone fusion. We don't know when yet, I hope we have plenty of time for Jesse to heal before I have to nurse Paul too. His recovery will be long. 3 months in a brace, 2 months of physical therapy and 2 months of work hardening. Then he has to find a new career. Fun.

At least I am healthy!