Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Reality

The first moments after giving birth was a whirlwind of emotions. The first one was relief. I was so glad the labor was over. It was so hard. I had a few moments to breathe. The doctor said something about a cleft. I had no idea what that was, I was scared and confused. They placed him on my stomach and Paul cut the cord then they took him to examine him. I heard cleft again and I heard "his palate is in tact". I wasn't sure what was going on with him but I knew something wasn't right. They cleaned him up a little and brought him over to me. This was the first time I was able to see his face. His eyes were wide open. I looked at him and soon put it together. He had a cleft lip. I said to myself, "ok, I can handle this, just a little lip thing". I held him and looked into his eyes for what felt like hours. I tried feeding him but he didn't want to feed off me. Understandable because he had a hard time making a good seal with his lip. After about an hour or two they told me I could move to my room and they would take Jesse to the nursery to get cleaned up and they would bring him to me. I went to my room and Paul stepped out to have a smoke with Dave. I got to my room and got settled, Paul came back and they still hadn't brought Jesse to me after his bath.

Some more time went by and we called the nursery, but weren't getting any answers. Around midnight a doctor came in. He informed us Jesse was in the NICU, he called it the special care nursery. What?!? Why? He told us that Jesse had the cleft lip AND palate. They also found a heart murmur. That's when the emotions really hit. The doctor didn't speak very good English, so we really weren't too sure what was going on. He said we could see him in about 45 minutes, someone would come and get us. An hour went by and no one came to get us, so Paul went looking for him. There was no one around and Paul wandered the halls looking for this special care nursery the doctor spoke of while I waited for a nurse to bring me a wheel chair and take me. I wasn't able to walk still from the epidural. He came back because he couldn't find it. Finally a nurse came and they wheeled me to the NICU, I think it was like 1:45am. He was beautiful and sleeping. I held him for a good 1/2 hour then we went back to our room and I just cried. Nurses kept coming in to check on me, to have me pump breastmilk, take blood. By the time they let me relax and try to sleep I like it was 4:00am, then it all began again at 6am.

1 comment:

  1. Hello! How are you? My name is Regan, and I had a son in October with a complete bilateral cleft lip and palate. I feel terribly for you that you did not know until Jesse was born. It must have been so hard getting that shocking news when you were so full of hormones and adrenaline. I see that he was born 2 months ago. I hope all is going well for you. Please feel free to email me at if you ever need someone to talk to who understands. Also, you can see my son's progress on his hospital care page.