Friday, June 4, 2010

Having a rough week

Well, June 1st was this week and that means the countdown for surgery has begun. I am really scared about the whole thing. I never thought in a million years that I would be watching my first child have surgery twice in the first year of his life. There's not much I can do about it. It needs to be done, for him. He would hate me if I didn't have it fixed, not that I was considering that or anything. I have to suck it up, be strong and remember this is for him, to make his life better. I am also thankful that it's not for something more serious like his heart, brain or cancer. I will admit, I am going to miss the cleft lip. It grew on me, especially when he started smiling. I have a picture that I call the Elvis look. LOL. It's going to kill me seeing stitches and bruises on his face, but I am hoping it desensitizes me a little for when he falls and bleeds as all kids do. And knowing he's in pain, ugh. I realy hope this experience doesn't make me an overprotective Mom, I'd rather it make me more laid back.
Yesterday was a bit rough, today too. Just feeling a lot of emotions. Yesterday I was just so exhausted that I let my emotions get the best of me. I was jealous of Paul, getting to spend all day with him, then he made it seem like a chore. What I'd give to be able to be home with Jesse instead of at work. Then I wanted to give Jesse a bath, I real one in the tub (I have only been giving him sponge baths thus far) and Paul took over. I know he was just trying to help, but he wasn't setting it up the way I wanted so I got mad and asked him to leave. So he wasn't there to be a part of his son's first bath. I feel terrible and guilty. Not that Jesse liked it anyway, he cried almost the whole time. Paul said he's do it during the day while I was at work, but it really was something I wanted to do since I feel I miss out on things while I am away at work.

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